I love classical music, but it’s, like, over.
Last night, all I wanted to do was murder everyone. For reals.
I told you, love sores hurt good.
Kelly, I might as well tell you I tried cocaine on Fire Island.
I’m Google/Facebook stalking girls I used to have crushes on.
Tell all your hefty friends I don’t want them around me.
I have 31 male cousins and a brother, so yeah, I know how to wrestle.
Washing is not just rubbing it on your face.
Watching him make decisions is like watching a cow poop in the woods.
You actually did leave your panties in a bunch on my floor last night. I washed them for you, because I am a nice person.
Since when did you care about stains, Mr. Come?
Hit me. I’ve got nothing but time, kid. That and $3, some dirty underwear and an ugly wife.
I’d like to develop a sexting relationship with your mother. You down?
If you don’t go to Costa Rica once in your life, you are fucking retarded.
I figured I’d nice it up with ass-smoothies.
Dude, you’re never going to believe what I heard today: Mike got another girl pregnant.
That baby don’t even look like a baby. It look like an old-ass man.
I wish that heifer would say that to my face! I would run her over with this goddamned train!
Who the hell is L.A. guy?
I didn’t know what was going on until Megan Maced herself.
Are you asking me to marry you? We’ve been over this before.
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