HEARD ON THE STREET

Everyone’s all old and settled down and doesn’t do coke anymore.

They were frolicking in their own juices.

Look at his face. How could he possibly know what’s going on?

You just doubled your pee mileage.

We forgot to steal my mom’s Vicodin.

So you consider yourself a twink?

Bicycles are so peasant.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just walking away while you’re talking.

Wait, did you just call me a midget dyke?

Oh, no. My grandmother is on Facebook.

Don’t do that goofy grin you do when you drink.

I’ve seen where her hands have been. I’m not touching her.

That tasted like God jizzed in my mouth.

I’m trying to get my freak on Friday.

It’s such a terrible trait, but he keeps seeing the good in people.

I don’t want to get laid tonight. I don’t want to fall asleep crying.

I don’t have a gag reflex, and I still couldn’t fit it all in my mouth.

I just want to punch him in his asexual face.

You’re always doing someone a favor when you make them go down on you.

(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)

HEARD ON THE STREET

Bitch, I was drunk when you met me.

Why is everyone carrying their dog around? It’s like a purse that poops.

That Starbucks is like McDonald’s.

Why won’t you be my best friend?

His bathroom smells like the rhino exhibit.

Based on your mood, the soup kitchen must’ve been closed.

Some folks should really be caged.

Were you just checking out my non-boobs?

I think you got serial-killer tendencies.

Does this dick match my outfit?

You haven’t really lived until you’ve been bled.

If you don’t tell people, people don’t get told.

He’s fine; he’s just a terrible human being.

I have choir rehearsal? Tonight? Aw, shit.

I’m such a cheap bitch; I went shopping at CVS on Friday and had $32 in coupons.


(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)

HEARD ON THE STREET

Facebooking on Ambien is the drunk dialing of the 21st century.

So there you are doin’ what you do, which is takin’ up my time.

I’m getting another call that’s probably more important than yours.

Your chi got me hard.

I can’t help it. I just like squeezing things out of sacs.

No more prescription meds for you—especially not anyone else’s prescription meds.

Treat ’em like motorcycles: Ride ’em hard, put ’em away wet.

I just got hug-raped.

I think I peaked last year.

Napoleon Dynamite was pretty accurate.

Have fun brushing your teeth.

I OD’d on this crappy day.

That’s like telling Hitler to make up with the Jews.

I’d fuck your mittens.

Smells like incense and Pledge.

I would have a complete anxiety attack without a working TV.

Yeah, he said he’s got anal bugs—literally.

I always feel enlightened after a bowel movement.

He’s got maternal instinct, but his mams only come out at night.

I treat myself enough already—mostly with substances.

(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)

HEARD ON THE STREET

“Honey, a pregnancy test?” “Yeah, I bought it while I was buying the vodka.”

She’s attracted to white guys that look Mexican.

“I went and did some ’ludes.” “Do they even make ’ludes anymore?”

Because I’m a motherfucking lady.

I wrestled that stroller like it was a sand shark.

So your hat is your personality.

My mom e-mailed me from the same room.

I’m usually smoked-out way before 4:20.

A bag wouldn’t help; I’d still know what she looked like.

I saw peach-fuzz, and there was no peach.

Why are you harshin’ my mellow?

I fucking hate my life. The only good thing is that my dick is huge.

I’m not running for the bus; I ran to get to this country.

Snort it all.

I’m more interested in the length than the color.

You think he’d be flattered to be called “hotcakes.”

(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)

HEARD ON THE STREET

You should’ve hooked up with me two bars ago.

It’s like the city puked up all its people.

I’ll either have to slut it up or get married.

They’ve tried to turn their newspaper into an Internet.

We had no reason to stand up straight in the ’90s.

When I start killing people, I will most likely kill you first.

When isn’t it herpes time?

I’m here. I just don’t like you anymore.

I want to see her fat one more time so I can feel better about myself.

It’s too hot to be sober.

(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)

HEARD ON THE STREET

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HEARD ON THE STREET

(Courtesy of 'TimeOut Chicago')

The only lasting relationships have at least one subservient wimp.

My parents have been 40 for a long-ass time.

These breast-feeding lesbians sold us weed.

I’m not attracted to men, but I’m losing my attraction to women. Is there something in between?

Jesse McCartney didn’t look that cute tonight.

I’m going to have to start hitting you.

A little standing never hurt anybody, unless they were standing in lava.

Those are so real they look fake.

I’ll bet you five jelly beans and a Krispy Kreme that you can’t hit that from here.