HEARD ON THE STREET

Everyone’s all old and settled down and doesn’t do coke anymore.

They were frolicking in their own juices.

Look at his face. How could he possibly know what’s going on?

You just doubled your pee mileage.

We forgot to steal my mom’s Vicodin.

So you consider yourself a twink?

Bicycles are so peasant.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just walking away while you’re talking.

Wait, did you just call me a midget dyke?

Oh, no. My grandmother is on Facebook.

Don’t do that goofy grin you do when you drink.

I’ve seen where her hands have been. I’m not touching her.

That tasted like God jizzed in my mouth.

I’m trying to get my freak on Friday.

It’s such a terrible trait, but he keeps seeing the good in people.

I don’t want to get laid tonight. I don’t want to fall asleep crying.

I don’t have a gag reflex, and I still couldn’t fit it all in my mouth.

I just want to punch him in his asexual face.

You’re always doing someone a favor when you make them go down on you.

(Courtesy of TimeOut Chicago.)